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or "is it or isn't it"   Show this Post

 
the general consensus has always been that waiting for a result/not knowing is the hardest thing to deal with… and although I may not agree totally – it is indeed a frustrating experience.  There's all the "what if"s that occupy your thoughts and they are never in my experience "what if everything is OK".  So, in many ways not knowing is very much like having received the "bad" news – except, there's always that bit of hope that maybe it won't be.
 
just let me say that I don't buy into Kübler-Ross's "five stages of grief" which seems to have become gospel for every psychological care worker since it was first espoused in 1969.  Of course her "theory" was based on "dying" – with input from terminally-ill patients… but it's scope has been erroneously expanded to include all sorts of grief from the loss of a loved-one, a job, a pair of ear-rings, the dissolution of a marriage or even the dropping of an ice-cream cone!  It's basically a steaming pile…  while some or all of those "things" may present themselves in folks going through a cancer diagnosis or even in those awaiting what they believe will be…  in actuality there may be dozens of "stages" of feeling over a period of time or simultaneously or even alternating back and forth – or maybe none of them at all.  Some folks just shut down, numbed by the thought of impending "doom" and don't go through any stages of grief – some, become deliriously happy at the prospect of becoming "one of the gang", because all their dearest friends have experienced cancer – except themselves – and they until now were just someone "who couldn't understand" what they'd all been through or were going thru – but now… aha… I've got it too!
 
my first reaction, alluded to at the end of my last post, was simply a mind-bending "fear"… and not based on what you might expect. I have no fear of death… dying – especially painfully – would be another story, but my real fear was – if this was what all the indicators to-date seemed to be pointing to, then was I going to be leaving my wife without a husband (she might see that as a plus) and 2 young boys without a father?   I think that's the one that really bothered me – and not only for their sakes, but as much for mine – the thought of missing seeing them growing up, finding a direction for their lives, meeting their life partners, starting families of their own… all of that without me!
 
and how does one deal with that?   5 stages of grief?   kick your cat (don't worry I don't have one)?  open a bottomless bottle of scotch?
 
…the answer tomorrow!